And all through the kitchen
The ovens were blazin’
The bakers were bitchin’
“I think what I may have is heat stroke,” I said
“I can’t tell the berries, the blue from the red.
Plus apple and rhubarb, to go with strawberry
Hey- Who took this order? It says Rainier Cherry!
I said ‘no’ to plum, I said ‘no’ to peach,
Why is it I’m here and not bound for the beach?”
Because I agreed in a moment of haste
To judge Friday’s contest of everything baked.
I will be the first to admit that I choose to toil in a
kitchen because I prefer a warm work environment to a chilly one. And yet,
there is something about July in New Jersey that changes everything. July in
the bakery gives new meaning to the phrase, room temperature butter. It simply
means, melted butter.
Beneath our bandanas, we drip, drip, drip, cheeks flushed
crimson from the heat. I remind myself there are many vocations far warmer than
that of a summah-time baker. Roofers, for example; Philadelphia Zoo workers,
boiler room and steam tunnel personnel. The fact that I have access to
unlimited iced coffee makes my job a veritable cakewalk. Coupled with the fact
that I am following the OSHA Guidelines of using the buddy system. “By the way," I mentioned to a co-worker yesterday, pulling my head out of the convection
oven. “I’m feeling just a touch warm. Might we turn on the fan?” Looking up from a puddle of chocolate buttercream, co-worker replied, “The fan is on.”
“Right. Of course it is.” Just knowing this makes me practically chilly… I
re-set the oven timer and dream of snow angels. Maybe it’s not a dream, maybe
I’m hallucinating from the heat.
Feeling as fried as an organic egg on cast iron, I exit the
bakery just as a late afternoon thunderstorm pops up. Not a gentle summer rain,
more of a standing-in-a-carwash sort of rain. I dash to my black car which has
been baking all day in the sun, windows firmly shut. The dashboard thermometer
greets me, announcing a balmy 97 degrees outside. No buddy system here; in my
sweltering solitude, I crack the windows figuring if I succumb to heat
delirium, I can wave my drenched pink bandana out of the window.
Pulling into the driveway, giddy with the prospect of being
footloose for an entire holiday, it suddenly dawns on me. I have promised to
participate in the 4th of July township festivities. No, not the decorated
Push/Pedal/Pull parade, nor the Ice Cream Eating contest, nor the noon Karaoke
gala. I have been asked to be a judge at the Baking Contest. And this contest is
something with which I am all too familiar.
I was a participant in the Baking Contest two years ago, the
very first summer of my return to NJ. Little did I know that the folks in town were
quite serious about the pastry competition. I threw my apron into the ring,
entering with a seasonal Peach and Raspberry pie. The following is a true recap
of that infamous, sweltering day.
A co-worker suggested I get to know the neighborhood by
entering the contest. “It will be fun!” she assured me. Entries were to be
dropped off at 9:00 am at the Georgian Revival style Municipal Building, an impressive structure smack in the center of Mayberry, I mean town. The
air was thick with humidity, powdered sugar frosting, and red dye number two.
Depositing my lattice-topped pie on the banquet table, I filled out the
necessary paperwork and departed. The folks in charge reminded me to be back by
high noon for the results. “Sure thing, wouldn’t miss it for the world.”
As the clock struck noon, we re-assembled on the front steps
of Town Hall to learn our fate. More out of curiosity than competition, I returned accompanied by a support team of two. The lead judge announced the
winners by category; cake, pastry, bread, cookie/bar, presentation and pie.
Competition was stiff; bakers of all ages and abilities gathered around, elbow
to elbow. New in town and more of an observer, I secured a spot away from the
Doric colonnade, down the steps, where the acoustics were less than stellar.
Wild applause, pats on the back, cheers, and general merriment greeted the
winners. At long last the pie category
was announced.
“In 3rd place,” the microphone echoed, “Ms. So
and So for her famous Such and Such Triple Decker Red, White and Blue Surprise
Pie.” Ms. So and So was not terribly surprised. She tore up the steps, grabbed
her ribbon and I’m pretty certain was signing autographs on the way back down.
“In 2nd place… for the most creative use of Apples in an Apple Pie…
Mrs. Smith.” Practically deafening, thunderous applause erupted as Mrs. Smith
ascended the staircase, while Mr. Smith chatted up reporters from TMZ. I had
seen enough. “Let’s go, ” I whispered to my cohorts. “And the winner of this
year’s contest for 1st Place Pie goes to…” There was a crackle over
the loudspeaker. We couldn’t quite make out the name. There was absolute
silence. No applause, no “Whoo Hoo,” no nothin’. The name was announced once
again. You could hear a rolling pin drop. My loyal compatriot, Blondilocks, burst
out, “Hey! That’s YOU!” I tentatively nudged my way through the maddening
crowd, up the limestone steps to collect my ribbon. All you could hear was
deafening silence. And then, the ever so subtle applause of two individuals in
the distance on the open lawn. Clap, pause, pause, clap.
On Friday the 4th of this July, I will fulfill my
Baking Contest responsibilities to the best of my ability. Letting my taste
buds be my guide, I will render a fair and honest decision. The following day,
I shall return to the tropics of my commercial workplace. Because as we like to
say, If You Can’t Stand the Wheat, Get Out of the Kitchen.
Please, don't judge me.
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